Did you know that women use a disproportionate amount of toilet paper?
You did? You think this is common knowledge? Well, la-di-dah! I did not know this fact for a very long time. In fact, I think I was 25 or something before it came to my attention.
One day, while my friend, J.Mo, was visiting me, we were lounging in the communal backyard of my apartment building. That was the day we would meet a neighbor of mine and his friends. One of these friends, heretofore known as Mr. Butter, was talking about how one of the perks of being divorced was that he bought about 1/3 of the amount of toilet paper that he bought while he was married.
"No way, Mr. Butter," I countered, "you're exaggerating."
He responded by pantomiming how he thought women determined how much toilet paper they would use, as illustrated below.
"Chiiiing!" he said.
"There's no 'ching' when I go to the bathroom," I insisted. Unlike the what-did-you-do-with-my-French-trip-video moment I had recently (posted soon), the topic was dropped in a timely manner and not harangued about for 45 minutes at 4 in the morning.
However, much later, at the bar, I went to the bathroom to pee. I grabbed the toilet paper, slapped the roll and it even made that friggin "ching" noise. Holy Shit! I do do that! I ching the roll. I never noticed.
But this, my friends, is the most astounding part. Calendars were marked all around the world after I went back to the table and admitted to Mr. Butter I had been mistaken. Yes, yes, women do use more toilet paper than men. And yes, as much as it pains me to say, there have been occasions where I was not correct.