New! The Tea Party Translation Guide!

Like many sane people, you may have difficulty communicating with, or even understanding, the members of the Church of Tea.  Sometimes it seems like they're simply insane and have lost all contact with reality, but it's not so!  They've simply come up with their own meanings for words and phrases you already know, and once you read my handy guide you'll be able to chat with Tea Partiers like you are one yourself!  Check it out:

-- Freedom:  To most people, the word "freedom" means something like, "I may do as I please as long I do not infringe on the freedom of another."  To the TPers, however, it means something more like, "I may do as I please, and so can you, as long as what pleases you also pleases me."

-- No taxation without representation (and Don't Tread on Me):  To you and me, these phrases indicate that we refuse to pay taxes to a government unless we as a country have elected it.  To the average Partier, it means, "I didn't vote for him, therefore he doesn't represent me."

-- Fiscal responsibility:  Most people thinking of reducing wanton spending on unnecessary initiatives or projects, but in this case it means spending on programs for U.S. citizens, like schools, Medicare -- wait, maybe not that one -- and environmental impact studies.  Reducing funding for poorly planned, poorly executed wars is not part of "fiscal responsibility."

-- The Constitution:  To the average American, the Constitution is a living document that uses specific language where necessary and broad language when appropriate.  The Supreme Court exists to make sure the broader parts are interpreted in a way that fits our times while adhering to the spirit of the document.  (All nuance-y, and stuff.)  For Sarah & Friends, the Constitution is carved in stone, and every word has one, and only one, literal meaning -- much like Christian Fundamentalists view the Bible.  (Also like Fundamentalists, the Tea Partiers seem to forget the parts of the document they don't like.)

-- Patriotism:  The common idea of patriotism is that it means loving one's country and being willing to die to protect it.  In this case, it means never, ever saying anything negative about the country (unless the president is a Democrat), and if you do you're a damn dirty traitor.

-- The Founding Fathers:  Most of us who paid attention in history class know that guys like Jefferson and Franklin were extremely bright, worldly, educated men who had human flaws.  But that's wrong.  The Founding Fathers (always capitalized) were good, God-fearing Christians who were the kind of guy you'd want to have an ale with, not some kind of elitists.

-- Big Government (also always capitalized):  Commonly, Big Government refers to one edging towards totalitarianism, where personal liberties are taken away "for the common good," but in this case pretty much anything the Federal government does is Big Government.  EPA?  Big Government.  FDA?  Yep.  USDA?  You betcha.  Public schools?  You know it.  Basically, "If the government is using tax money for something I disagree with, regardless of my lack of knowledge regarding said thing, it's Big Government."

So, there you go!  Now you understand the basics of Tea Partese, go out and communicatize!

Comments

[mr. instantnoodle]

Nice writeup!

[Just this guy, you know?]

Another one that I hear all of the time:

"The American Taxpayer" -- Me! All that money is coming right out of my pocket!