WBBaIWEBU: Cats vs. Dogs

I had written up a whole bunch of notes about this debate trying to be non-biased (yeah, right) while I was volunteering for the Space Travel store last night. But then I had to go and get tipsy at lunch today. Did I mention Muffin's birthday? Or the awesome ChristmasHoliday party I went to earlier? And, well, who am I trying to kid? We all know I'm never going to think cats are better than dogs. If you think that's wrong, well, I'm sorry, no offense, but, you're craaazy.

But if you need proof, here are my notes anyway (after the jump).  Dogs 10.5 to Cats 3, not even close:

Medical Care:

Kittens, Cats, Puppies and Dogs all require initial and annual shots and exams. I know some otherwise responsible people who fall down on the cat vet visits because their cats never leave their homes, but I cannot in good conscience support such flawed thinking. Tie.

Grooming/Hygiene: Baths:

I hear all the time about how cats are SO clean because they bathe themselves all the time. I don’t understand how this makes any sense because cat breath is STANKY. You just licked your asshole with that tongue and now you’re cleaning your side? Yeah, that’s clean. But, there is the convenience factor, seeing as you can buy into this bs “cleaning themselves” theory and therefore won’t ever have to do it yourself.

Dogs do not clean themselves, unless by “clean” you mean rolling around in the mud and who knows what else and drying off in the back of the car. No, they have to be cleaned by you. If your dog loves you though, they’ll stand there and be tortured and sulk while you scrub them clean and then run around the house in a wet dog frenzy after they’ve been freed from the tub. This is amusing. The other benefit is that if your dog is being bad, you can simply say, “Do you want a bath?” and they’ll look immediately scared and remorseful and quite possibly will run to their beds and hide.

I guess the issue is laziness versus amusement/cruelty and well, I go for amusement/cruelty every time. Point for Dogs.

Grooming/Hygiene: Breath:

Clearly this issue is two-fold. One, size of mouth and two, relative smell of cat food versus dog food breath. Since cat and dog food is probably the same thing, cats get the clear edge here on the sheer tiny-ness of their mouths. Point for Cats.

Feeding:

Unless you have a small dog, which I will not, cat ownership is more cost efficient. Plus, one is less likely to strain oneself carrying an 8 lb bag vs. a 40 lb bag. No hernia + more $ = point for Cats.

Training:

Training for cats involves showing them a litter box. Dog training on the other hand is a bit more involved and necessary. However, the advantage is that you can actually teach a dog something or more accurately teach them NOT to do something (see jumping on groin below), while a cat will do whatever it damn well pleases (see ball stomping). Tough call. Laziness vs. Versatility. I do enjoy being lazy. But, hmm, can you have both? I suppose if you go through a little trouble up front, you can train your dog to do all sorts of shit for you, thereby increasing your ability to be lazy. From fetching beer to shooing away solicitors, your dog can learn to enable your TV watching and other slothful activities and, at the end of the day, all a cat can do is poop in a box which you’re going to have to empty out anyway. Point for Dogs.

Puke:

It’s a widely known fact that cats puke a lot more than dogs, hairballs and whatnot. And they hide it in places you’re sure to step. Even though their resulting splat is indeed larger, dogs hardly ever puke. Point for Dogs.

Turd Maintenance:

Hard to say whether or not having a box of crap in your house is better than having to cater to your dog’s evacuation needs multiple times daily. I will say that a tiny 10 pound cat can produce quite a smelly turd which will linger in your home until you scoop it up and throw it away. This is hardly different than going outside with your pet and scooping up poop in the out of doors right away. Except with the dog you get some exercise. Half point for dogs.

Cuteness:

Purely subjective I guess, so I give a point to each. Tie.

Love:

Do pets really love their owners? Who knows? What is clear to me is that dogs are more effective at making us believe they do. I could be wrong, but I don’t recall seeing any headline news about cats saving people from burning buildings, you know? Point to dogs.

Portability:

Cats can’t go hiking or out to play. If you want to take them anywhere you have to put them in a box that they hate. Lame. Meanwhile, leash-collar, good to go. Point to dogs.

Play time:

Cats take FOREVER to get interested in the friggin wand and then only play for like 5 minutes. Bor-ing. On the other hand, dogs play pretty much whenever and wherever you want. Of course, there are certain dogs with OCD that won’t leave the damn tennis ball. Ever. But still, point to dogs. Playing is fun.

Attractiveness to potential mate:

Cats are never good to mention on a date. Girls have the crazy-cat lady potential and it just seems wrong that a single boy has a cat. Dogs have the uncanny ability to attract random people to you. Out in the park with pup? Cute girls and boys will approach you with their dogs and strike up conversations, maybe leading to eventual dates. Hands down, point to dogs.

Protection: Yeah. No splanation necessary. Point to dogs.

Fur on clothing: Bleh. Tie.

Ball stomping vs jumping up: I have no balls, so I have no personal experience. At least you can train a dog not to jump, meanwhile, cats? Do it whenever they can. Say it with me, point to dogs.

Comments

[Alejo]

Ahh, you're so wrong.

Grooming: Sure, dogs would be cleaner -- if their owners washed them every day. Or even every week....

Training: Again, we could say that the potential is there but the reality isn't. Conceivably, dogs can be trained to do or not do things. I haven't met any who were.

Turd maintenance: Dogs lose that half point because dog owners do not SCOOP turds, they put a plastic bag over their hand and GRASP turds. I suppose SCOOPING a cold, dried tiny turd with a SCOOP could be considered grosser than GRASPING a big, hot steaming turd -- but who would really think that besides a crazy person?

Love: I ain't heard a no chihuahuas draggin' no people outta no burnin' buildings, neither. Unfair measurement.

Portability: How about the flip side to this, where if you're not home by 5:32 Rover will piss on your rug? I call this a tie.

Attractiveness to a potential mate: That one was more slanted than Fox News.

Ball stomping vs jumping up: Once again, dogs CAN be trained not to jump up, but from my experience the ones that don't are simply too fat, short, or lazy.

So there.

[C Ro]

LIES! All lies!

[annon.]

Regarding hygiene: What's up with dogs licking their private parts and then going for a big lick on their owner's face or other body parts. At least cats don't share all those extra body fuids with their owners. Just a thought... .

[C Ro]

Annon: I think this is on a per pet basis. I had a dog that didn't lick people and currently live with a cat that's always trying to lick my armpit. Gross!

[anon]

Must be something about hairy armpits.

[C Ro]

Anon: How did you kn...ahem, I mean, my armpits are as perfect as perfect can be, thank you very much.

[Alejo]

While it's not quite pulling someone out of a burning building ... http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060102/ap_on_re_us/911_cat_call;_ylt=AooCA_.vgAZsSR8PRH_6tuas0NUE;_ylu=X3oDMTA3ODdxdHBhBHNlYwM5NjQ-