She Likes It: License and registration, please

So, as I've mentioned several times - even though some people (Em) think that I haven't - I recently went to DC to attend a friend's (Em's) wedding. I went early so as to be in town to participate in the CBP (aka the Cheesy Bachelorette Party). Said party was organized by one very nice friend of the bride whom we'll call Allison, since that is her name.

A quick note is in order: Enough cannot be said about how awesome, nay, instrumental Allison was helping the bride in all aspects of planning this wedding. I will be so bold as to say that if Allison wasn't there, there would not have been a wedding at all. You see, although Em did want to get married, she did not, does not, have the patience that is required to arrange a wedding. Em is the type of person that once she decides something, she wants to get it done right now, not some far flung date in the future. This combined with the fact that Em's mom would probably die of heat exhaustion wearing her wool bunad (aka bru-na-na) in an Elvis drive-through church in Vegas, Allison's ability to make decisions and plan a successful wedding is what got this baby off the ground.

That said, what the hell was Allison thinking when she ordered Officer Brad off the Internet?

Sure, I agreed that getting a stripper would be cheesy fun. But, let me just say that before Brad, I had never actually witnessed a male stripper in the wild. I only had TV and the movies to guide me in my decision making process. I didn't know! So when OB arrived, I was immediately disappointed that he wasn't hot. Sure he has a body that he obviously works hard on, but in addition to his "butter face", he was cheesy and sweaty and, well, stubbly.

I know you're asking yourself, how does she know about the stubbly. Well, there was this whole portion of the evening which revolved around whipped cream - which by the way, Brad had Allison buy for him. What? Yeah. Anyway, several of us were ordered - at different times - to lick whipped cream off parts of Brad's body. Lucky me, I got the stomach area. Of course I was completely mortified and embarrassed, but I wasn't going to be the party-poop that refused. No way, not me! So, I do it. I lick his mid-section. My first thought was, "Holy Shit! Stubble!" And I have to say, even now after about a month of ~~therapy~~ further consideration, I still believe that 5 o'clock shadow on your torso is completely inappropriate for a stripping professional.

I would have demanded my share of the money back, but the maid of honor would have probably just given it back to him via the circuitous route that started in her shirt.

To Allison's and Brad's credit, most of the audience enjoyed his show and to be honest, I would have too, if I could forgive the serious grievance he perpetrated upon me with his body hair. Ew.

After the jump you can see a picture of Officer Brad's best side. Not really safe for work, although it's not THAT bad.