She Likes It

Toilet Paper Thoughts (3), by CRo Smiley

Did you know that women use a disproportionate amount of toilet paper?

You did? You think this is common knowledge? Well, la-di-dah! I did not know this fact for a very long time. In fact, I think I was 25 or something before it came to my attention.

One day, while my friend, J.Mo, was visiting me, we were lounging in the communal backyard of my apartment building. That was the day we would meet a neighbor of mine and his friends. One of these friends, heretofore known as Mr. Butter, was talking about how one of the perks of being divorced was that he bought about 1/3 of the amount of toilet paper that he bought while he was married.

"No way, Mr. Butter," I countered, "you're exaggerating."

He responded by pantomiming how he thought women determined how much toilet paper they would use, as illustrated below.

"Chiiiing!" he said.

"There's no 'ching' when I go to the bathroom," I insisted. Unlike the what-did-you-do-with-my-French-trip-video moment I had recently (posted soon), the topic was dropped in a timely manner and not harangued about for 45 minutes at 4 in the morning.

However, much later, at the bar, I went to the bathroom to pee. I grabbed the toilet paper, slapped the roll and it even made that friggin "ching" noise. Holy Shit! I do do that! I ching the roll. I never noticed.

But this, my friends, is the most astounding part. Calendars were marked all around the world after I went back to the table and admitted to Mr. Butter I had been mistaken.  Yes, yes, women do use more toilet paper than men. And yes, as much as it pains me to say, there have been occasions where I was not correct.

Toilet Paper Thoughts (2), by CRo Smiley

Sunday, I was riding along in the police car and saw a billboard advertising some faux-fancy European coffee that's being sold at one of the local gas station mart chains. That billboard got me to thinking about how we romanticize all things Europe. Surely, I thought, there are things universally recognized as better in the U.S.

First thing that came to mind: Toilet Paper, even the CDSRoD is better than that crap (no pun intended) sold elsewhere in the world. Oh, and don't call me Shirley. I couldn't think of much else that we're better at though, besides maybe movies and hamburgers but even then they're not a sure a thing as the good ole TP of A. 

But that's enough isn't it? I mean, if I were to reflect on all the things I refuse to get on the cheap, toilet paper is at the top of that list. Safeway brand sour cream? Sure. 1-ply generic sand paper? No, thank you.

If only we could harness that power for good. Beard Boy brought home recycled "green" toilet paper once and I nearly slapped his momma. No way, Jose! Only 400-ply, forest clearing paper for my spoiled bum. And until The Man allows nature-friendly paper to be softer than bark, that's the way it's going to stay.

But I digress. My point is, the powers that be should think about tipping the trade imbalance in our favor by introducing Charmin - REAL, made and sold in the USA, Charmin - to the rest of the world.

Wait a minute. Why aren't we doing this already? Is it a secret method for keeping pansy-asses like myself in the country? Uh-oh. Well, if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, The Man's got me in a secret prison for this Toilet Paper Brief.  Or maybe it's a holiday and my sister and her family's visiting. I guess you should probably wait and see before mounting the rescue party. You were planning on mounting a rescue party, right?

P.S. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

Toilet Paper Thoughts (1), by CRo Smiley

I have been thinking a lot about toilet paper lately.  And not for the (gross) reasons you might imagine. No, it's because I currently have one of those defective rolls of toilet paper that tears at every effing square. You know what I mean, the slightest tug just to pull the roll around and Riiip! So instead of any workable amount of toilet paper, you're left sitting there with one friggin useless square. And after 15 minutes of slowly trying to help the paper around you might have cobbled together 2 or possibly, gasp!, 3 whole squares. Maddening, I tell you, Maddening!

The worst part of this situation, is that I've got one of those Ultra Super Duper rolls that is so big it requires a special toilet-paper-roll-hanger-extender (comes free with purchase!) and so I just know this defective roll will last a year or at least until the nice young men in their clean white coats come to take me away Ha HA!

Ahem. Ah, one question before I go though: Do you think the extra sensitive tear-away toilet paper is not defective at all, but, in fact, manufactured on purpose to drive people a little more insane? Do you think that perhaps The Man and his representatives in the toilet paper industry are strategically placing (each placement being pre-determined by super complex physics formulas computed simultaneously by three Crays and HAL) these Secret Rolls in the marketplace so that everyone who purchases toilet paper will eventually get at least one of these Civilization Destroying Secret Rolls of Doom, heretofore referred to as CDSRoD?

Okay. I see that that's two questions, but I don't know. Could be happening. Right now! In some secret underground CDSRoD laboratory! Right?